it's just a few days past new years eve, and i'm sitting here in my new apartment, in my boxers, on my sister's fuckin futon, with my neck tweaked just enough to be annoying but not so much as to make me adjust (that or i'm just that lazy; ie stoned.) and i'm here, in my new city, like i said, just a few days past new years eve. i've just taken a shower. got my hair cut short today. trimmed my facial hair. cleaned the restroom and kitchen. you know, the kind of shit you do when you start a new year. a few minutes ago i'm eating a sandwich, cuz i'm hungry, i ate sushi for a late lunch, and i'm looking at myself in the mirror naked. that's what you do after you take a shower you committed yourself to hours ago. and i've got these hairy legs, and a half eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich and it hits me like a mini-epiphani.
skip forward but looking back, 2009 was a tough one. looking at the present, i've come out mostly unscathed. now, with everything slowing down at work for at least a few months, with the new apartment and workspace situated, with a new year ahead, i've decided to give in and set some new years resolutions. most of them do not concern this post, those that do can be categorized under a renewed commitment to my real work. in addition to committing myself to a more rigorous and disciplined studio practice, i will be writing in this blog more often. bullshitting mostly, but hopefully giving me a forum to reflect, analyze, formulate, develop and think more critically about my work.
therefor, i will be writing about painting, painting about living, and living like i'm painting.
this new years resolution came from that peanut-butter induced mini-epiphani (that or i'm just stoned. ie more perceptive and open) as a solution to a couple of creative problems i have been having. i have alluded to them but i won't go into detail now. but, i will say that i've been missing something. something i had for much of my time as a student. that fuel besides the desire to be seen, heard, loved and laid. the solution is the resolution. and those kinds of resolutions are always the best, because it's not all about the goal. it's really about the solution.
bukowski lived for writing. he understood. he found that womb, as terrible as it was, and he wrote. i have my womb. not nearly as terrible, nestled in the cradle of the great pacific mother. now i must find that discipline and live for painting. mad for painting. because if there's one thing besides my mother that i am convinced that i love, it's this. as painful as it can be at times. as excruciatingly ego crushing. it is passionate always. as much so when it's perfect and bliss.
THIS is that company i seek. it's joy and it's misery.
calaverafor my brother
graphite on reeves bfk
1 comments:
oh what a beautiful world of hurt.
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